Jenny here, CEO of Carolmine. I would have never thought it would take me over two years to write a 2nd blog post for the Diary Series. I guess that’s an indication of how the last two years went. The intention of this blog series was to let you in on the inner details of well...my love story. I wanted to paint a picture of how it ties into the story of love I’ve been expressing through Carolmine. But I guess love stories have twists and turns for a reasons. It’s what gives a story the depth it needs to last lifetimes. That is what I want for Carolmine after all. An expression of love that withstands time. So without further ado, let us begin the Diary series blog post #2 Reborn Edition.
This is quite literally the most me focused, wide open, leisurely, non committal season of my life! I don’t remember the last time I had no interest in drowning myself in endless projects and taking on ideas I have floating around in my head. Riding the waves of creativity is all I’ve ever known and harnessing the gift of creating something from nothing has been a journey in itself. It took me a long time to come to terms with, who I am to my core is a creative, a storyteller, a dreamer.
I spent so many years wishing I was someone else. Someone more logical with their feet planted on the ground. Someone that didn’t need the high of creating the ideas going on in her dreams. Someone more tamed I guess. But the more I resisted the more irresistible waves of creativity flooded my mind. The fact that it’s been 3 months of no tea spilling on the things cooking in the oven or even dropping new clothes is insane to me. Like Jenny who?
This is truly the most restraint I’ve ever shown myself. To choose living life for me over everything. But let’s be real, there are things cooking and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get vulnerable about this new wave I’m on. All that to say, I friggen missed you guys!!! So what better way to launch the new Reborn Collection then to do what I’ve always done on here. Tell a story about love. *sips tea*
The Plot Thickens
So yep...I had a breakup and it fucking sucked. Never did I think an 8+ year chapter of my life would come to a crashing end. With it happening at the same time of a traumatic family emergency, the only thing I knew to do is go quiet and buy a one way ticket back to Hawaii.
Sometimes you don’t wake up to the fact that you are Carrie Bradshaw dating Mr. Big until he leaves you at the alter so to speak. Good thing I am mighty with a pen, with a dreamer spirit that could never die. Yes I could be petty and spill all the juicy tea of the before, during and after happenings but that really wouldn’t be me. Instead I would like to go into the lessons learned and the rebirth that has inspired this new clothing line in the first place.
Reborn At 29
One thing this chapter really reminded me of is that we all have a story. We all have a truth. And we definitely all have a path we choose because of it. I’ve learned over the years to allow my heart to break. You guys have seen me lean into the stories of our world and the people in it. Preaching and dreaming all while my heart would break again and again yearning for a world brand new. For me being an open hearted human means being invested in peoples stories. Oh do stories pull on my heart strings! Sometimes those strings pull too hard and breaks off some pieces. Inevitably I always feel 10 times more beautiful and alive through the surrendering of the healing process. I choose to be the kind of person that is moved by life and it’s people. So that means falling in love with the whole process of allowing your heart to break and heal even more beautiful than before. The secret? Owning your story.
Sometimes routine can block out our true desires and the big picture. I was so caught up in the love story that felt like would last forever. Partly because I was told that it would be and partly because I had romanticized it so publicly on here. Was it all a lie? Did I say or do something wrong? I should have known! Why couldn’t I see the signs as signs? Why didn’t I follow my intuition? Oh the flood of questions that seemed permanently stuck in my mind until I found the courage to answer them all. I kept telling myself how I should have known and how could I have been so blinded by love. Olivia Rodrigo on repeat had me see, I would have left him but the rollercoaster is all I’ve ever known.
Desires On Fire
This leads me to setting my desires on fire. Specifically what I desire in love, life and in Carolmine. When the dust settled and I was able to get a birds eye view, I saw that I never wanted to end up with a Mr. Big in the first place! I think I wanted Carrie and Mr. Big to be together in the show/movies soooo bad because I resonated BIG time! Without letting myself admit it of course. Because then I would have to admit that Carrie deserves better.
What I got from this wave is I’m allowed to be EXACTLY the kind of woman I’ve always wanted to be. I am allowed to be the writer, the photographer, the rapper, the model, the fucking CEO, the world changer, the healer, the poetic preacher, the ruthlessly vulnerable leader, the believer, the dreamer. AND I am allowed to desire what I desire in a man. Just like he’s allowed to desire what he desires in a woman.
This ride or die quality I have, has me choose people exactly as they are and it lead me in the pickle I found myself in. Giving my word to someone that didn’t have all the traits I imagined having in my partner. Giving my word to something that didn’t make me feel all the feelings I wanted to have. But oh the romance of a good story! And we did have many good stories afterall. I had to stick to the story until the end plus unshakeable love is my speciality. With time to process I thought, well maybe it didn’t need to be this hard to be a ride or die for someone. Because that someone would choose me just as equally and in the ways I’ve always desired.
So instead of making myself wrong for staying on the rollercoaster too long I lean into the beauty of story telling. Yes there was so much magic in the memories we made together and our love was a huge source of inspiration for a lot of things I did for Carolmine. But I mean...a 20 minute FaceTime was the most anticlimactic ending to a love story known to man. For me, that was evidence that this isn’t my love story. Merely a chapter in the grand scheme of things. Ouch. But I mean what makes a fairytale so magical is the drama of the climax amirite!! Well that wasn’t it sis. I mean it fell so flat that I knew instantly there was nothing to do but hit pen to paper to begin writing a new story. A love story of how I fell madly in love with myself in ALL the way I’ve always dreamed I would. A story of expressing that love through Carolmine, through these blogs, and through all the endeavors I embark in.
So yes this means getting vulnerable with you guys because quite frankly that’s what I’ve always done and it would be inauthentic of me if I did anything else. I want to grant myself the gift of living life with my whole heart again with the priority of lighting MY desires on fire. For once I have fallen into the sweet sweet day dreams of making myself the priority and you know I like to go all in on things. So of course, this leads me to listing out my desires because proclaiming it, is part of my manifesting ways. Duh!
My List and I Checked It Twice
I want to grant myself permission to follow my dreams wholeheartedly and in the manner I’ve always envisioned in my mind! I want to let my eyes be magnetized by the beauty of this world and the people in it by finally being the jet setter I’ve always knew I would be. I want to network with the most extraordinary and loving spirits in the game. I want to manifest people who invest in my potential. But like literally lol. Because your girl could use those kind of partnerships. I want to grow and expand as a company. Spending time painting the sky with our story of love and spending money getting the word out god damnit!! I want to bring in more money to inevitably give more away. I want to create new ways of working with charities/non profits and important causes. Each collaboration with a poetic new twist to keep you on your toes. I want to spend time immersing myself in different cultures and investing in the stories of the angels placed on this earth. Because you know that’s what we’re all about up on here. And if you didn’t know, then well I hope you stick around to see our dream of becoming 100% non profit unfold!
With all this change, I see clearly that I want to ride with the wind when it comes to how I run things with Carolmine. I was going on empty every month trying to put together donation weekends and raising awareness on causes I care about while attempting drops every week. Basically wearing all the hats gets tiring and I’m a stop to smell the roses kinda girl. This means stopping to dwell in another’s dream and how I can support making it come true or spending time with a friend with a glass of wine or two. What I dream of is balance and curated collections with purpose. Because well we have my desires being set on fire to worry about!! Duh! Rebirth things ya know.
I want to touch people with the stories of this world and what could happen if we just surrender to the possibility of creating a world brand new. In whatever way inspires you to be a part of the story. I dream of the world knowing my kiss of love all while I burn what no longer belongs here with my fire.
There is no more room for some of the things I intend to burn with the way I intend to work it. There is enough room for all of us to win. There is enough resources, knowledge, givers, lovers, thinkers, to heal the world. We all deserve to have our dream. We all deserve to fall madly in love with EXACTLY the kind of person we’ve always imagined. The kind of person who makes you feel seen and cherished and turns you all the way on in ALL the ways. He deserves that. So of course, so do I.
I‘m just going to go ahead and say it. I am big on THE LORD over here okay! All caps because I know it may not seem like it sometimes with my edgy shell and sailor mouth. I am from Long Beach afterall. Anyway, God truly is my foundation of love and why I have faith in my journey. Why I believe I can make a difference in this world. And why I get up everyday to do exactly that. Call me crazy but I sometimes feel like we’re all fallen angels walking eachother back home. So I tend not to sweat on what I think might break me, at least not too hard. Because I know where I am inevitably heading to is home.
I dream of a partner that can see me in this light and gets lost in the wonder of how God drew me. Someone that is just as ambitiously involved in making this a better place for us all. Someone who could spend all nighters with me for some save the world game planning type shit. Someone who gets moved by life like I do. Someone who gets turned on by my desire to live life so magically. Someone who will light this world on fire with me.
I am allowed to light my desires on fire. All of them. Just like he is. And if I were to see him again I’ll tell him, “Your girls are lovely Hubble” and run off into the wind like a wild thoroughbred. Running towards the best gift he could have ever given me. The world.
Can you see that I feel brand new? I have the island healing to thank for that. I am forever indebted to this island and I intend to thank it properly with our first full dedicated donation weekend next month since this new wave began. More on this later. But for now I wanted to speak on a cause and partnership that has been near and dear to my heart. Working with Magi Tareke on raising awareness on the Tigray genocide over the beginning half of this year has been such a heart opening experience. Learning about the devastating acts that’s been inflicted on the Tigrarian people with little public outreach was incredibly difficult to take in. Magi’s story only made me want to lean in more and allow my heart to burn. 22% of our proceeds this week will donated to her Gofund me to help raise humanitarian aid for the people who have been displaced from their homes. You can also donate directly to them and find out more about what’s going on in Tigray here. 22 happens to be my favorite number and also the age where I felt like it was all going down hill. Being reborn at 29 oddly gives off the feeling of being 22 again which I never thought I would feel. So i‘d like to give part of my heart away to the cause that has opened my heart the most.
Thanks to the women and all the silly men who made it all the way to the end. Maybe being untamed isn’t such a bad thing after all. Maybe I like the wind in my hair as I light this world on fire with the beat to my tune. The only question is, will you ride this wave with me boo?